Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Kids' answers to questions about dating

 From HappyPlace.com:


If you've ever read a dating column in a magazine and wondered if it was written by a child, these kids' answers to dating questions will prove that children are way too knowledgable about relationships to be responsible for that. We're kind of shocked that at age 10, Kristen can already be so churchy and so bitter all at once.


 

Monday, January 30, 2012

Girls like modern technology

"Girls like modern technology. Like telephones and apps. It isn't rocket science."

Read through the end, this is hilarious (From David Thorne : http://www.27bslash6.com)

From: Kevin Eastwood
Date: Thursday 19 January 2012 10.04am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Kotex artwork


Hi David,
I just tried emailing Jodie but got an auto responder that she is away. The client was happy with the last magazine ad layout and wants to place another in the February issue. Same info but different image. I said I would get a proof to them by tomorrow. Can you have a look at this for me?

Kevin

From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 19 January 2012 10.32am
To: Kevin Eastwood
Subject: Re: Kotex artwork


Hello Kevin,
Jodie is currently away on stress leave but will be returning on the 23rd. Workload related stress is a leading cause of poor office productivity and a daily schedule of harvesting Farmville crops while eating cake and emailing people images of a cat wearing a tie saying "I need everyone to stay late tonight, we really need to catch that red dot", apparently falls under this description.

While I would love to help you out, unfortunately I am unable to make amendments to Jodie's projects in her absense. This is partly due to not being the designer who undertook the brief, research, direction and development of the project, and partly due to Jodie password-protecting her computer after I changed her open Facebook page status to "Renting the Die Hard quadrilogy tonight. Yippee kayak, motherfuckers" while she was at a funeral.

In my defense, I thought she said she was going to a "Food Mall." Just last week Jennifer stated there was cake in the kitchen and I heard a popping noise as air entered the vacuum Jodie's mass had occupied at her desk a nanosecond before.

Though I know her password, (it is always her cat's name), there is little point using it. As Jodie has modeled her filing system on the Mandelbrot Set, with files named qwedqwyer.fmx and asdasydfg.psd several thousand folders deep, she will probably be back at work well before I manage to locate the file.

I can leave a sticky note on her desk though if that helps.

Regards, David.

From: Kevin Eastwood
Date: Thursday 19 January 2012 10.46am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Kotex artwork


Not really. You don't have to search for the file it is 0396_kotex_click_advert_01.pdf. It has the black panel at the bottom with the Kotex logo and info and the picture of the girls at the beach splashing each other. The picture and the quote just needs to be changed, keep the rest.

I fully realize Jodie worked on the account but when she is away other designers should have access to the files If someone needs them. Standard operating procedure. I guess having some kind of system in this place is too much to hope for.

Kevin

From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 19 January 2012 11.01am
To: Kevin Eastwood
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Kotex artwork


Kevin,

We do have some kind of system and it is entirely hope based. Standard operating procedures consist of hoping nobody notices, hoping someone else gets blamed, and hoping account managers make promises only after checking the availability of sources to fulfill those promises.

Last month, while a file was in pre-press after a two day photo-shoot featuring five babies for a Kimberly Clarke advertisement and a week of design, you asked if it was too late to "make the text bigger and one of the babies an asian."

If you expect me to make amendments to the Kotex layout, I am hoping that you have either a budget allocated for sourcing a replacement image that represents the confidence and resulting lifestyle benefits gained by using a particular brand of tampon, or have an existing 'rights free' replacement image in mind.

Regards, David.

From: Kevin Eastwood
Date: Thursday 19 January 2012 11.09am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Kotex artwork

Budget for what? It is one photo change. It really isn't that complicated. Instead of girls at the beach, just change it to girls riding bikes or something and change the quote to something about being confident.


From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 19 January 2012 12.16pm
To: Kevin Eastwood
Subject: Requested amendment.


Attached file 0396_kotex_click_advert_01B.pdf


From: Kevin Eastwood
Date: Thursday 19 January 2012 12.33pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Requested amendment.


Ok. The photo is nice but it doesn't have anything to do with tampons and the copy doesn't make any sense. You cant even tell if it is a girl or guy and I didn't say motorbikes. I said bikes. If it was a cute girl smiling and hugging a guy on the back of a moped or something that might work but not doing jumps.

From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 19 January 2012 12.51pm
To: Kevin Eastwood
Subject: Re: Re: Requested amendment.

Attached file 0396_kotex_click_advert_01C.pdf


From: Kevin Eastwood
Date: Thursday 19 January 2012 1.19pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Requested amendment.


I liked the first one better. That's not a moped and I meant parked or something not riding. How is that image meant to appeal to anyone? They look like idiots and the bike is too old. Girls like modern technology like telephones and apps. It isn't rocket science.

From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 19 January 2012 1.46pm
To: Kevin Eastwood
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Requested amendment.


Attached file 0396_kotex_click_advert_01D.pdf


From: Kevin Eastwood
Date: Thursday 19 January 2012 2.46pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Requested amendment.


I will just send them the first one of the girl doing a jump and get back to you if they have changes. Thanks  !!!

A venn diagram for Men


Saturday, January 28, 2012

Roommate Wanted...

An oldie classic from " Best of Craiglist":

seeking a roommate

Date: 2007-11-24, 8:57PM PST

Hello,

I am seeking out a roommate. I've had several the past 3 months that did not work out so well and am hoping to find "the perfect housemate." I think it can be done!

1. I am a plastic surgeon, single straight male, and am wealthy but rather lonely. I could keep this house to myself, and have for about a year, but I've realised that life is much better when it's shared with people who are conscious (as opposed to my clients and my nursing staff!). (This is not to say that my nursing staff is unconscious - obviously they are not! It's just very difficult to become friends with a staff that is somewhat dubious of my methods. I'm no rogue, but I do have Eastern-influenced techniques that some find odd and/or disconcerting - but I do have a 99% success rate! In any case, it doesn't make much sense to mix business and pleasure.)

2. I do have a dog, Basil Ironweed (yes that is his name, people seem to be confused that I have given him a full name like a person and some kind of laugh, but I assure you I take my dog very seriously and treat him with respect, and I ask that you do the same). It would actually be ideal if you have a female dog of pure pedigree (I'd need to see the papers though, for breeding purposes) and I'd prefer her to be a medium-sized dog (I will consider most breeds except absolutely no Australian Kelpies and no American Water Spaniels, please! The colouring of the mating dogs' possible kin would be horrendous if this were the case! Also, Basil is a Border Collie in case you were wondering!) If you do not have a dog, that is also fine. All other pets will be considered except: no cats unless they are of the outdoor variety, no arthropods, and all avians must be salmonella-free, clipped toenails, and tagged.

3. My house has only a one-car garage. It used to be a two-car one, but I decided to convert half of it into a micro-personal gym as I am rather health conscious. (I do have a gym membership, but my gym is not 24-hour, and sometimes at night I really need to get on the bowflex to burn off some of my energy since I have a lot of it! Also, after meals it's inconvenient for me to run off to the gym, and that is why I need one at my disposal. The gym membership is because they have a pool there, and swimming is really good for the joints. Just in case you were wondering.) That said, you'll have to use street parking, but I assure you that my neighborhood is quiet and safe, and there is usually a spot right out in front of my house! (The only time the spot is taken is when the lunch truck comes for the construction workers that are on the corner of my street. It only sits there for about 20 minutes between 1 and 2 pm during the week, depending on how chatty the boys are that day.)


Anyways, I have a few rules that need to be followed, but other than that, we should get along fine!
I request that you listen to all music via headphones. I have mild tinnitus and the sounds from most Hi-Fi equipment sans headphones really irriate me. I am open to discussing music, but sadly we cannot directly share it as my ears can't handle rapidly changing frequencies. (If you'd like to share lyrics, I'd be more than delighted to oblige!)

If you are going to cook, please do not use the following spices: curries, paprika, anything Cajun, and dill. The smells of these things turns my stomach. (If you have any scents that you'd like to avoid, by all means let me know and I'll do you the same honour.)

You must brush your teeth at least twice a day. If there is anything I cannot stand it's filthy teeth. (Believe me, I've had a couple roommates who just could not handle this simple routine - your gingiva may not mind, but I certainly DO.)

If you are going to watch tv, please let me know in advance which programs you'd like to watch. I do have TiVo, by the by, and I have certain shows that I simply must watch when they originally air. I cannot be too flexible with this because I cannot stand to wait to see my programs. You have to understand that I simply have to watch them when they originally air or I will get a little batty. Most of my programs are on public broadcasting and do not tend to run during prime-time spots.

I do not appreciate unannounced house-guests. I need to know at least two days in advance that company is coming - I need to know the duration of the stay, and the nature of the visit. But, I am open to any and all visitors, I just need to know the specifics involved.

I have reduced rent drastically because I realise that some of my requests might seem slightly stringent. I will pay the bulk of the rent in exchange for your understanding, your commitment to the house, and your humouring of my quirks.

You must be ok with my upholstery hobby. On every third Tuesday of the month I request that you vacate the house between the hours of 4 pm - 11:45pm while I upholster various pieces of antique furniture. I am a perfectionist and require complete silence in the house. I've tried this with housemates who've promised to stay in their rooms, but this proved impossible as bathroom habits demand a regular schedule that interrupts my artisan work. That said, I will give you a small stipend on these days if it will assist you in finding something to do with that block of time.

No newspapers or magazines. The ink gets everywhere and the gloss irritates my eyes. Sorry! You are free to read them on the front porch, but they must be stored outside of the house (perhaps in your car?)

This is not to sound discriminating, but, if you speak either French, Urdu, or Afrikaans, I kindly request that you not speak them in my vicinity as the cadences used in these languages are grating to the ears and nerves, for me.

I have fresh produce delivered from an undisclosed location to my home every Wednesday afternoon. Please do not purchase fruits or vegetables and bring them home. You can request any that you desire and I will add them to my order queue. (I am fastidious about potential-GM produce and pesticide usage - I will not tolerate either!) Also, if you insist on preparing red meat dishes in the home, do cook the meat thoroughly. IT MUST SIZZLE.

No cellphone tones in my home! Please use silent mode only!

You are not to use paints in the home. The noxious odours will aggravate my allergies!

That's the summary of my requests! I do actually have a handbook which I will provide for your perusal during our interview (yes, there will be an interview for final-stage candidates) that outlines all of my more particular requests.

If you are interested, please email me the following information:

1. Name
2. Occupation
3. Age
4. Allergies
5. Favourite author


Cheers!

it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 488537774


Friday, January 27, 2012

My Love for You...

MY LOVE FOR YOU...
By JOHN DE GUZMAN

My love for you is like Twitter: short, erratic, I might miss something important if I step away for 5 minutes and I keep sending you somewhere else to get the full experience.

My love for you is like Facebook: I’m always changing our dating parameters, and I constantly over-share our info.

My love for you is like Tumblr: I don’t think about it much, but I really miss it when you’re not available.

My love for you is like Instagram: the filter I view it through matters.

My love for you is like Google+: full of potential, but we’re already dating too many other people to give it a fair shot.

My love for you is like Quora: all I can do is ask about what the hell it is and why I’m in it.

My love for you is like Flickr: I’m too busy focusing on the past to build a future.

My love for you is like Myspace: it was important… once…

My love for you is like Foursquare: proximity matters, and all I want to be is mayor of your heart. And vagina.

My love for you is like Google Buzz: it came on inappropriately aggressively, failed miserably and I’ve been recovering ever since. (And, no one knows about it. +1 THAT.)

My love for you is like GetGlue: every time I’m doing something, I want to share it with you.

My love for you is like IntoNow: It sounds great, and I’m happy to sell it to someone for a lot of money.

Thursday, January 26, 2012

European Heaven & Hell

European Heaven is where the police are British, the cooks are French, the mechanics are German, the lovers are Italian and it is all organised by the Swiss.

European Hell is where the police are German, the cooks are English, the mechanics are French, the lovers are Swiss, and it is all organised by the Italians...

I want one of these....iPoo

I want one of these....just released from Apple !!!


Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Everything from Nothing

Video created by feeding a transparent image to Google Image Search and asking it to find similar images, and then taking the top result and feeding it back into the similarity algorithm, 2951 times. It's a wonderful look at an evolutionary process.

http://vimeo.com/34949864

Monday, January 23, 2012

The Ernest Hemingway of idiots

Are you dying to take a revolutionary piece of 21st century technology and make it 200 years less amazing out of some misguided attempt to make yourself seem more interesting? Meet the Typescreen, which turns your iPad into an iTypewriter for reasons iDon'tUnderstand. Take this bad boy to the coffee shop and get some real writing done. Just ignore all those whispers of envy. The muffled giggles of seething jealousy. The eye-rolls of admiration. Because you are the Ernest Hemingway of looking like an idiot.


Sunday, January 22, 2012

Office Sleep

The ostrich pillow designed by Kawamura Ganjavian creates private environment that allows you to take warm and comfortable power naps. For sale in the US !!!


Friday, January 20, 2012

Everything is a Remix

Remixing is a folk art but the techniques are the same ones used at any level of creation: copy, transform, and combine. You could even say that everything is a remix.

Watch all three amazing videos plus the two extras:







"HELLO"

This is the best version of this song ("Hello" by Lionel Richie) ever created, and not just because it's "performed" by some of our favorite movie characters !!!


http://vimeo.com/35055590

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Going Black

To join the protest against SOAP this page is also going black.  It will be as dark as the Amish Christmas Lights Display...

Monday, January 16, 2012

Everything...

EVERY THING ON IT 



I asked for a hot dog
With everything on it
And that was my big mistake,
'Cause it came with a parrot,
A bee in a bonnet,
A wristwatch, a wrench, and a rake.
It came with a goldfish,
A flag, and a fiddle,
A frog, and a front porch swing,
And a mouse in a mask—
That's the last time I ask
For a hot dog with everything.




Sunday, January 15, 2012

Hopeless

The Barack Obama "Hope" poster on the left is an image of Barack Obama designed by artist Shepard Fairey, which was widely described as iconic and became synonymous with the 2008 Obama presidential campaign. On the right, my own version of a "Hopeless" moron. Feel free to re-post.




Eminently Logical


Friday, January 13, 2012

Social Media Sites explained


More with LESS

Welcome to 2012...

Where our phones are wireLESS,
our cooking fireLESS,
our cars keyLESS,
our food fatLESS,
our youth jobLESS,
our leaders shameLESS,
our relationships meaningLESS,
our attitude careLESS,
our feelings heartLESS,
our children mannerLESS and
our education valueLESS !!!

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

An Advertising Lullaby

An Advertising Lullaby (George Carlin's tribute to advertising)

Quality, value, style, service, selection, convenience
Economy, savings, performance, experience, hospitality
Low rates, friendly service, name brands, easy terms
Affordable prices, money-back guarantee.

Free installation, free admission, free appraisal, free alterations,
Free delivery, free estimates, free home trial, and free parking.

No cash? No problem! No kidding! No fuss, no muss,
No risk, no obligation, no red tape, no down payment,
No entry fee, no hidden charges, no purchase necessary,
No one will call on you, no payments or interest till September.

Limited time only, though, so act now, order today, send no money,
Offer good while supplies last, two to a customer, each item sold separately,
Batteries not included, mileage may vary, all sales are final,
Allow six weeks for delivery, some items not available,
Some assembly required, some restrictions may apply.

So come on in for a free demonstration and a free consultation
with our friendly, professional staff. Our experienced and
knowledgeable sales representatives will help you make a
selection that's just right for you and just right for your budget.

And say, don't forget to pick up your free gift: a classic deluxe
custom designer luxury prestige high-quality premium select
gourmet pocket pencil sharpener. Yours for the asking,
no purchase necessary. It's our way of saying thank you.

And if you act now, we'll include an extra added free complimentary
bonus gift at no cost to you: a classic deluxe custom designer
luxury prestige high-quality premium select gourmet combination
key ring, magnifying glass, and garden hose, in a genuine
imitation leather-style carrying case with authentic vinyl trim.
Yours for the asking, no purchase necessary. It's our way of
saying thank you.

Actually, it's our way of saying 'Bend over just a little farther
so we can stick this big advertising dick up your ass a little bit
deeper, a little bit deeper, a little bit DEEPER, you miserable
no-good dumbass fucking consumer!'

More lyrics: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/g/george_carlin/#share

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Sunday, January 8, 2012

Seven Dirty Words...

George Carlin's Seven Dirty Words

The big seven words you weren't allowed to broadcast were: Shit, Piss, Fuck, Cunt, Cocksucker, Motherfucker and Tits.

Here is the original Carlin comedy routine that caused the Fracas.

"I love words. I thank you for hearing my words. I want to tell you something about words that I uh, I think is important. I love..as I say, they're my work, they're my play, they're my passion. Words are all we have really.

We have thoughts, but thoughts are fluid. You know, [humming]. And, then we assign a word to a thought, [clicks tongue]. And we're stuck with that word for that thought. So be careful with words. I like to think, yeah, the same words that hurt can heal. It's a matter of how you pick them.

There are some people that aren't into all the words. There are some people who would have you not use certain words. Yeah, there are 400,000 words in the English language, and there are seven of them that you can't say on television. What a ratio that is. 399,993 to seven. They must really be bad. They'd have to be outrageous, to be separated from a group that large. All of you over here, you seven. Bad words. That's what they told us they were, remember? 'That's a bad word.' 'Awwww.' There are no bad words. Bad thoughts. Bad Intentions.

And words, you know the seven don't you? Shit, Piss, Fuck, Cunt, Cocksucker, Motherfucker, and Tits, huh? Those are the heavy seven. Those are the ones that will infect your soul, curve your spine and keep the country from winning the war.

Shit, Piss, Fuck, Cunt, Cocksucker, Motherfucker, and Tits, wow. Tits doesn't even belong on the list, you know. It's such a friendly sounding word. It sounds like a nickname. 'Hey, Tits, come here. Tits, meet Toots, Toots, Tits, Tits, Toots.' It sounds like a snack doesn't it? Yes, I know, it is, right. But I don't mean the sexist snack, I mean, New Nabisco Tits. The new Cheese Tits, and Corn Tits and Pizza Tits, Sesame Tits Onion Tits, Tater Tits, Yeah. Betcha can't eat just one. That's true I usually switch off . But I mean that word does not belong on the list.

Actually, none of the words belong on the list, but you can understand why some of them are there. I am not completely insensitive to people's feelings. You know, I can dig why some of those words got on the list...like cocksucker and motherfucker. Those are...those are heavy-weight words. There's a lot going on there, man. Besides the literal translation and the emotional feeling. They're just busy words. There's a lot of syllables to contend with. And those K's. Those are aggressive sounds, they jump out at you. CocksuckerMotherfuckerCocksucker. It's like an assault, on you. So I can dig that.

And we mentioned shit earlier, of course. Two of the other 4-letter Anglo-Saxon words are Piss and Cunt, which go together of course. But forget about that. A little accidental humor there. Piss and Cunt. The reason Piss and Cunt are on the list is that a long time ago certain ladies said 'Those are the two I am not going to say. I don't mind Fuck and Shit, but P and C are out. P and C are out.' Which led to such stupid sentences as 'OK, you fuckers, I am going to tinkle now.'

And of course the word Fuck. The word Fuck, I don't really...well, this is some more accidental humor, but I don't really want to get into that now. Because I think it takes too long. But I do mean that. I mean, I think the word fuck is an important word. It's the beginning of life, and, yet it's a word we use to hurt one other, quite often. And uh, people much wiser than I have said, I'd rather have my son watch a film with two people making love than two people trying to kill one other. And I of course agree. I wish I know who said it first, and I agree with that. But I would like to take it a step further. I would like to substitute the word fuck, for the word kill in all those movie cliches we grew up with. 'Okay Sheriff, we're gonna fuck ya now. But we're gonna fuck ya slow.' So maybe next year I'll have a whole fuckin' rap on that word. I hope so.

Uh, there are two-way words, but those are the seven you can never say on television. Under any circumstances you just can not say them ever, ever ever, not even clinically. You can not weave them in the panel with Doc and Ed and Johnny, I mean it's just impossible, forget those seven, they're out.

But, there are some two-way words. There are double-meaning words. Remember the ones your giggled at in sixth grade? 'And the cock crowed three times.''Hey, the cock the cock crowed three times. It's in the bible.' There are some Two-way words, like it's okay for Curt Gowdy [mis-spelled in original transcription. -ed.] to say 'Roberto Clemente has two balls on him.' But he can't say, 'I think he hurt his balls on that play Tony, don't you? He's holding them. He must have hurt them by God.' And the other two-way word that goes with that one is prick. It's okay if it happens to your finger. Yes, you can prick your finger, but don't finger your prick. No, no."

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Water Cooler Options

The Water Cooler is  a favorite place for hanging out in the office, especially in the US.  Wouldn't it be really "COOL" if you had these as water cooler options?  That would make for a really productive workplace !!!!



Tuesday, January 3, 2012

We're going to need More Monkeys

The infinite monkey theorem states that a monkey hitting keys at random on a typewriter keyboard for an infinite amount of time will almost surely type a given text, such as the complete works of William Shakespeare.







"Blogging is not writing.  It's Graffiti with punctuation"  (Contagion_2011)

Sunday, January 1, 2012

New Year (2012), New Blog.  This is my first posting, on the blog that will kick the ass of all other blogs. 

 "The merchandise of the information economy is not information; it is attention. These commodities have an inverse relationship. When information is cheap, attention becomes expensive. Attention is what we, the users, give to Google, and our attention is what Google sells—concentrated, focused, and crystallized."


This blog will provide my daily  attempts for getting or "selling" attention.  Please buy as much as you can.  I need the income.